Day 2 - The Roller Coaster

If you are looking for a rosy, the process of adopting is all rainbows and puffy clouds type of post tonight you might want to stop reading now. J I think too many people make it seem like every single thing in their adoption process was perfect, that they immediately fell in love with their child, took them home without any reservations or second thoughts and they all lived happily ever after.  I KNOW I am not the only one who has doubts, concerns and fears and I think that it should be OK to share that. But, as I said, if you don’t want to read that type of post then just go back to Facebook. J

Today has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I guess the reality of A.J.’s developmental delays is setting in and this is causing me to have a lot of questions and fears that are probably perfectly normal.

Things like: “Can I meet his needs once we are home when my life is already pretty crazy?” When I am thinking clearly the answer I hear in my head is “Yes. You will probably need to change your schedule around and maybe get a mother’s helper a few days a week to lighten the load of housework, but you can do it.” When the spirit of fear fills me the answer is more like “Absolutely not! Are you insane?”

And: “Am I ready to commit to parenting a child that may never be able to live independently and may never be ‘normal’ in the eyes of the world?” The non-emotional answer is “Many people have made the same commitment and received many, many blessings from it. It will strengthen our family in ways we can’t even imagine, and we will gain more than we give in this process.” The fearful side says “Think of everything you would have to give up! You are finally at a place where your house doesn’t need to baby proofed and your kids are independent enough to play on their own. Do you want to go back to having a child who completely relies on you again?”

Or: “Will he ever catch up developmentally? Or has the four years this orphanage has stolen from him changed his future forever?” The Godly, loving side of me replies “It doesn’t even matter. He is one of God’s children and he SO much deserves a chance at something much better than what he is destined for here. With consistent attention, therapy, and addressing his medical needs so that he is getting enough oxygen and not ill all the time, and making sure that his vision and hearing are OK he will thrive.” And the fear says “He’ll probably never catch up and you will be ‘stuck’ with a child who acts like a 2 year old when he is 18.”

God has used several things to try to set me straight today. The first one was this post from my bloggy friend Adeye. She is adopting two children who are in much worse places than our little man and her post really spoke to my heart. The second one was the song “Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns. I had never really listened to this song the way I did today.  I am going to try to include the song as part of the blog, but if I cannot figure out how to do it please take the time to listen to it on YouTube or iTunes. If you are a Christian it will bless your heart and make you understand how God is speaking to me through the music. If you are not a Christian it might help you to see how I feel like I am able to overcome huge obstacles because of my God. Or, it might just make you say “Those Christians are whacked in the head.” Either way, it is the honest truth about my life. And finally is Isaiah 40. This is one of my favorite chapters in the bible and one I turn to frequently. As I was reading verses 12-28 I could hear Him speaking to my heart saying “Do you really think that I, the one who measures the waters in his hands and brings forth the stars, am not big enough to overcome all of these problems you are seeing? I created the world. I do not become weary even when you do. I can handle this!” I am in tears right now thinking about it. One of the most amazing things about this journey has been how much closer it has made my relationship with my Creator.

I so much wish that my husband could have made this trip with me so that we could be working through these emotions together, face to face instead of chatting on Skype with an 8 hour time difference. We are in this together and I wish he could have first-hand experiences with A.J. instead of relying on my opinion and descriptions. And I could really, really use the emotional support that he consistently provides to me.

So, where does all this emotionalism leave us? Right where we started as far as I am concerned. Despite my concerns and fears I believe that God has led us on this journey and that he will continue to carry us through it, whatever it might bring. It boils down to this – I may not be able to give all of these children with sad, sad eyes a family; but I can give one a chance and there is NO WAY I am going to leave him here where his future is most likely life in a mental institution.

And now that I have gotten all of that down in words, I am going to bed. It has been an exhausting day. I pray that none of you will think less of me for sharing the deepest things of my heart here today.